Unitarian Universalist Church of Palo Alto

Ice Breakers

It has been well established that the physical act of laughing is very healthy, especially as we grow older. Also, we all have aches and pains, and a bit of laughter helps us forget them for a while. With this in mind, each Elder Journey meeting starts off with ice-breakers. These are bits of humor, each written on a separate piece of paper (in large type, of course), and passed out as we assemble. The first order of business is to go around the circle, with each person present reading his or her ice-breaker aloud. Following are a few examples from our recent meetings.
Philip Hodge, Court Jester

 

THE 12 DAYS OF CORPORATE CHRISTMAS

 Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

13.  Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

14.  Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

 

TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTIONS

IIn commemoration of Day of the Dead we present some examples of Tombstone history and philosophy – some from New England graveyards, and others written by well known people who didn’t trust survivors, but wrote their own while still living.

Beneath this stone,
this lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the
month of May
Took off his winter flannels.

Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute.
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anno Dominy eighteen forty.

Here lies in a horizontal
position the outside case
of Thomas Hinde,
Clock and watch maker.
Who departed this life wound up
In hope of being taken in hand
By his Maker and being
Thoroughly cleaned repaired and
Set a-going in the world to come.

Sacred to the memory
of Anthony Drake,
Who died for peace
and quietness sake;
His wife was constantly
scolding and scoffin',
So he sought for repose
in a twelve dollar coffin.

Here lies Ann Mann;
She lived an old maid and
She died and Old Mann.

Here lies my wife
in earthly mold,
Who when she lived
did naught but scold.
Peace! Wake her not,
for now she's still,
She had; but now I have
- my will.

Edgar Allan Poe (himself) -
Fly
Quoth the Raven,
'Nevermore.'

Erected to the memory of
John Philips
Accidentally shot as
a mark Of affection
by his brother.

Here lies the bones of Richard Lawton,
Whose death, alas! Was strangely
brought on.
Trying his corns one day to mow off,
His razor slipped and cut his toe off,
His toe, or rather what it grew to,
An inflammation quickly flew to.
Which took, alas! To mortifying,
And was the cause of Richard's dying.

In this grave ye see before ye
Lyes berried up a dismal story.
A young maiden crossed in love
And tooketh to the realms above.
But he that crossed her
I should say
Deserves to go the other way.

Here lie I bereft of breath
Because a cough carried me off;
Then a coffin
they carried me off in.

Sacred to the memory of
Elisha Philbrook
and his wife Sarah
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back to back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet
the air shall fill,
If she gets up,
I'll just lie still.

Never born,
Never died: visited the
planet earth between
December 11, 1931
and, January 19, 1990.

Here lies Matthew Mudd,
Death did him no hurt;
When alive he was only Mudd,
But now he's only dirt.

HERE LIES
Lester Moore
four slugs
from a 44
no Les
no more

Groucho Marx (by himself)
Excuse me, I can't stand up.

I told you I was sick.

Grim death took me
without any warning
I was well at night and
dead at nine in the morning

Here lies George Johnson
Hanged by mistake, 1882
He was right
We was wrong
But we strung him up
And now he's gone

Alexander the Great
A tomb now suffices him for whom
the world was not enough

Samuel Butler
While Butler, needy wretch,
was yet alive,
No generous patron would a dinner give;
See him, when starv'd to death,
and turn'd to dust,
Presented with a monumental bust.
The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,
He ask'd for bread,
and he received a stone.

He called Bill Smith a liar.

Winston Churchill
I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Benjamin Franklin (himself) -
The Body of
B. Franklin, Printer
Like the Cover of an old Book
Its Contents turned out
And Stript of its Lettering & Guilding
Lies here. Food for Worms
For, it will as he believed
appear once more
In a new and more elegant Edition
corrected and improved
By the Author

H. L. Mencken
(by himself)
If after I depart this
vale you ever remember
me and have thought to
please my ghost, forgive
some sinner, and wink
your eye at some homely
girl

Isaac Newton
Nature and Nature's laws
lay hid in night:
God said, 'Let Newton be!'
and all was light.

Dorothy Parker
(by herself) -
Excuse my dust