Unitarian Universalist Church of Palo Alto

Ice Breakers

Contact elderjourney-info@uucpa.org

It has been well established that the physical act of laughing is very healthy, especially as we grow older. Also, we all have aches and pains, and a bit of laughter helps us forget them for a while. With this in mind, each Elder Journey meeting starts off with ice-breakers. These are bits of humor, each written on a separate piece of paper (in large type, of course), and passed out as we assemble. The first order of business is to go around the circle, with each person present reading his or her ice-breaker aloud. Following are a few examples from our recent meetings.

Philip Hodge, Court Jester

21  PUNGENT DEFINITIONS

1.   Arbitrator:
          A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

2.   Avoidable:
          What a bullfighter tries to do.

3.   Bernadette:
          The act of torching a mortgage,

4.   Burglarize:
          What a crook sees with,

5.   Control:
          A short, ugly inmate.

6.   Counterfeiters:
          Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7.   Eclipse:
          What an English barber does for a living.

8.   Eyedropper:
          A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9.   Heroes:
          What a guy in a boat does.

10.   Left Bank:
          What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

11.   Misty:
          How golfers create divots.

12.   Paradox:
          Two physicians

13.   Parasites:
          What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14.   Pharmacist:
          A helper on the farm.

15.   Polarize:
          What penguins see with.

16.   Primate:
          Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17.   Relief:
          What trees do in the spring.

18.   Rubberneck:
          What you do to relax your wife.

19.   Seamstress:
          Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

20.   Selfish:
          What the owner of a seafood store does.

21.   Sudafed:
          Brought litigation against a government official.

SIXTH GRADE HISTORY

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a  history test.

1.  Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in  hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the  Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 

2.  Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made  unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He  died before he ever reached Canada. 

3.  Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 

4.  The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we  wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is  a female moth. 

5.  Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people  advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 

6.  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,  and threw the java. 

7.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was  going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 

8.  Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 

9.  Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a  success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all  shouted "hurrah." 

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg  invented removable type and the Bible. Another important  invention was the circulation of blood.

11. Sir Walter Raleigh  is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started  smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot  clipper. 

12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never  made much money and is famous only because of his plays.

13. Shakespeare wrote  tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last  wish was to be laid by Juliet. 

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He  wrote Donkey Hote.

15. The next great author was John Milton. Milton  wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise  Regained.