Self-Consciousness And Self-Esteem
Reverend Kenneth W. Collier
February 18, 2001
Palo Alto, CA

The idea that we have-or perhaps a little better, we are-a self has perplexed adolescents and philosophers from the beginning of time, and so I want to take the time at the beginning to explore it. Think about our language. We talk about "My feelings," "My ideas," "My identity." We even speak of "My self" as if there is some dichotomy between the real me and "my" feelings, ideas, identity, even self. But how could that be? To what does this "my" refer? What-or who-is it that "has" these things? What is this elusive "me" that has "them?"

In short, who am I? A perplexity this that, on the one hand, is intellectual and philosophical and, on the other, is existential, both a head trip for idle philosophical speculation and one of the most pressing questions about how we are to be in this world of ours. No wonder people have puzzled about it for so long. No wonder it engages us all in one way or another at almost every point in our lives.

There is an interesting exercise that is sometimes used in spirituality retreats. You are continually asked who you are, and one of the ground rules is that you are not allowed to use the same answer twice. At first, it is something of a game and people have fun with it, but before long, it begins to get rather uncomfortable. People begin to run out of things to say, or at least things that don't sound trivial to them. And then something really fascinating happens, least for some people it does. The heart begins to open, and they begin to see things about themselves that they never even dreamed were there. If I may be permitted what may be a metaphor or two, they begin to confront their Self, that elusive core of reality within their heart that is who they really are. They begin to stand under their own integrity and lean a little into the company of their Self.

Now, some people find this to be a wonderful experience. It affirms them, gives them a sense of rightness and wholeness, and offers a deep sense of groundedness and support for the living of their lives. Others find it to be decidedly uncomfortable. Some of these latter discover that there is a very powerful discontinuity between the lives they have been living and the integrity they encounter. And others, seeking to have ultimate and tight control over their lives, discover, to their dismay, that this control is not-and cannot be-so absolute as they thought.

It is difficult to find a way of speaking about these things that is not paradoxical. Some of the philosophical literature speaks of a lower case "s" self and an upper case "S" Self, the former being our conscious awareness and the latter being this sense of deep integrity discovered in the spirituality exercise-among other places. This convention, while convenient, works only for written discussions. It's hard to hear which case I am speaking in.

Since I think that it is this latter sense of Self, the upper case "S" self, that is sometimes referred to as the "soul," this morning I want, just for what I hope is clarity's sake, to use the word "self" to refer just to our conscious awareness, and to use the word "soul" to refer to our deep integrity. And I hasten to note that this understanding of soul does not in any way commit me to the idea of an immortal soul. This soul might be immortal, but for all I know it might also be that the sense of a deep integrity is a matter of neurological hard-wiring. In any event, I'm not even going to address that today! It is irrelevant to what I want to say.

I want to ask two different questions. Why is it that we sometimes feel uncomfortable when we are aware of ourselves, when we are self-conscious? And what happens when we genuinely love ourselves? By this latter, I do not mean narcissistic self-love. I mean deep, genuine, nurturing and healthy self-love.

The whole idea of being consciously aware of our consciousness also sounds paradoxical, but it happens. We all know it happens. Usually it happens when attention is focused on us when we wish it weren't. Camera shy people, for example, know all about that. And when we are being judged, we know all about that. Think about the dreaded annual job performance review. And think about the time that you invited people over and the dinner you cooked turned out to be dreadful. Or when you were called upon to speak to a gathering of people and felt unprepared or inadequate. Or when you forgot an invitation you had accepted.

To be self-conscious is to be aware of how it is that you are, right at this moment, in the world. And for many of us, more often than not, that is an uncomfortable feeling. Why should that be? Why should being aware of our place and activity and consciousness in the world be uncomfortable? Could it be that we are uncomfortable with our selves when we are judgmental with ourselves, when we pass judgment and find ourselves lacking? And why would we do that?

Hold that thought. I want to introduce another thread into this weaving. Think about self-esteem, self-love. There is a message that we get in this culture from the time we are old enough to get messages. The message is that there is something wrong about loving ourselves. It is selfish; it is conceited. I was even taught in my Calvinist Sunday school that it is sinful. Of course that is not the only message we get about self-love, but it is certainly a powerful one in this culture. There is something wrong with self-love.

I think that this is a confusion of self-love with the kind of self-centeredness that does indeed, separate one from others and put one's consciousness at the very center of everything that one does, think, feel, or believe. That is not self-love, because love does not separate. Love connects, so that to the extent that what you think is self-love separates you from others, it is not love at all. It is a kind of narcissism.

Self-love, self-esteem, happens when you find your soul blessing your self. Self-love happens when the deep integrity within your heart touches your consciousness and gives it a deep sense of well-being, worth, dignity, purpose, and health-a word that ultimately means wholeness. Self-love gives you a sense of your place within your world, a sense that you belong and fit. Self-love connects you and holds you together with the others around you, be they people or animals or plants or even rocks and mountains and rivers. Self-love puts you where you belong and allows you to be comfortable with that place, wherever it may be, neither having to command the center nor deserting to the hidden edges. Self-love assures you that you are powerful and effective and beautiful and precious.

I have found in my life that self-love is not something that I can achieve and be done with. It is something that I need to discover over and over and continually open myself to. It is one of those lessons that I need to learn again and again, and every time that I learn it anew, it goes a little deeper and a little deeper. Self-love is a long falling in love that does not end. It only gets more profound. I have said on other occasions that the essential religious task is to fall in love with the world. I have found that the essential task in falling in love with the world is to fall in love with myself, with my self. It is the cultivation of self-love, of the love of who I am in my world and my awareness of that person.

Now I think I begin to understand why self-consciousness is sometimes uncomfortable. What happens when I, in fact, do not love the person I am in the world and I am confronted with that fact? What happens when my soul has to withhold its blessing, or when, becoming aware of that deep integrity, I know who I really am but realize that he has little to do with the person I am in the world?

The questions answer themselves. Sometimes it is not a big thing, only a small embarrassment, like the forgotten invitation, something that is easily fixed. But when the discontinuity between my soul and my self looms large enough, it becomes a crisis of consciousness, an existential dissonance, and something has to give way. I don't know anyone who has managed to become and adult without having encountered that kind of crisis at least once. Sometimes we run from it, denying that it is even there, repressing the opportunity to deepen our humanity. And sometimes we embrace the opportunity and enter one of those times when our sense of human possibility empowers us and enhances our lives. We fall even more deeply in love with our selves and our world.

It might be that you suddenly realize that the way you have been making your living forces you to repress your understanding of your humanity. I think, for example of the former Labor Secretary, Robert Reich, suddenly realizing that as much as he loved his job, it was stealing him from his family and therefore also from himself. It was a false love because it separated rather than connected. And the only way he could return to self-love was to quit his job and leave the administration. He has never regretted it.

Or it may be that you suddenly realize that even though you have tried honestly and courageously to live by the values you were taught as a child, you have come to realize that these values are not your values and that they force you to try to become a person who is not you. And so you come out. Or perhaps you leave your family's religious roots. Or you turn away from the family business. Or you do any of a thousand other things. Sometimes I am asked whether I have ever regretted giving up a tenured teaching position to enter the ministry. The answer is simple. Never. For a minister is who I am, and if I had stayed in academe, my love for myself would have been forever stunted.

And so it goes. Life is like that, a long falling in love, a constant dance between crisis and growth, a fertile ground for growing your self, for expanding your consciousness and aligning it with your soul, with your deep integrity, with the person who you really are. And do you remember that spirituality exercise I mentioned at the beginning? I recommend it, whether or not you happen to be in a spirituality retreat. Ask yourself over and over, without ceasing. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

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