B. R. A. G. for B. G. L. T. BRAG is an acronym I made up for this service. BRAG means Being Radical or Real Allies for Good. In what we are celebrating today that means being radical/real allies for the good of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender persons.

Three anecdotes about why I chose to do this sermon, to have this particular subject about being allies with and for persons who are BGLT.

The first is a little joke: It was mealtime during a trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the male flight attendant asked the woman seated in coach. "What are my choices?" she asked. "Yes or no," he replied.

In other words, what are our choices regarding being allies together. I think they are that clear, Yes² or No.² Just as the words in our Centering Thought explain: The Yes response is what UUs do.

The second anecdote concerns a letter written to the Dear Abby newspaper column. When it came in, it is reported to have made Abby speechless. The letter said: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

We need to have services such as this one because we need to get the facts straight. Misinformation plays a big part in the oppression and marginalization that now flood our society in regard to sexual orientation and gender identity.

The third anecdote I want to share is taken from a book entitled, Journey Into Consciousness, by Charles Breaux, in which he explores the meaning and inter-relationship of the concept of Chakras, Tantric meditation and Jungian psychology. He writes: Tibetans say that arousing the fire of energy hidden within the human body-mind] is like putting a snake in a hollow bamboo stick; it can only go one of the two ways, up or down.

We need to direct the energies of our collective community, we need to guide and assist the commitments we make as individuals in regard to the issues of sexual orientation and gender identity so that we can support the choice of affirmation, rather than the negation and assault propagated by most religions and social systems.

It is clear to me that whenever a particular group of people in society are being deprived of their rights, are being marginalized and kept from full inclusion, are being targeted for who they are in the fullness of their persons, are being forced to work harder to participate in society because many of the things everyone else takes for granted are being kept from them---whenever and wherever that is happening those of us who are in the larger group, the group who holds more or most of the power to make decisions, that is, the dominant group which is responsible for the targeting . . . those of us in that group, who understand that targeting and marginalization are taking place, have a very particular and special work to do. We have to become allies with those who are marginalized. We must become Allies for what is Good.

What are the qualities of an ally? What does it require of us, exactly? Probably the first thing people would think of is that an ally must care. They must care for those persons who are targeted, marginalized, exploited. Often, however, people stop right there. Because they feel in sympathy with, because they are concerned about, because they can even truly feel the pain of those who are oppressed---for those and a number of other reasons, they feel they donıt need to do anything more, or, at least, they do not do any more---even though they may feel guilty that they do not do more.

Understood this way, it seems that caring is not enough. Caring may make us feel better inside, but alone, it is not enough. So there are a couple of other things I believe we must do if we want to be authentic allies.

First, we have to come out.

We have to come out about who we are. That is, we have to come out about what it is like to be a member of the larger group in its relationship to the group of people who are being targeted. We have to come out about what it is like to be in relationship with others who do not have the same rights we do, who are not treated in society as we are treated, whose experience of society is often radically different than ours. Sometimes those people are in our own families. Sometimes they are our own children.

According to PFLAG, the national organization for Parents, Family and Friends of Gays and Lesbians: Having a gay child pits the instinct of parental love against entrenched social norms. There are members in this church for whom this is so.

Susan Owicki responded to my call to members of this church to participate in this service today. Susan, would you please come up and share with us.

First Congregantıs Sharing

Good morning. I've been around here since the 1960's. I won't burden you with a lot of nostalgia about those halcyon days. The common observation is that if you can remember events of the sixties, you probably weren't really there.

Questions about sexual orientation were of little concern to me until the 1980's when reports about AIDS and HIV were in the news. I suppose my naivete approached that of President Reagan.

I finally heard about something called the Welcoming Congre- gation when I attended the UU General Assembly in Calgary about ten years ago. A young woman gave an interesting description of this new curriculum for churches to use in their Adult Religious Education programs.

Those of us who attended that GA reported our impressions to the congregation one Sunday morning. Several of us were interested in having our church recognized as a Welcoming Congregation, and decided to make plans to do it.

A group of us began a series of meetings at Peg and Bill Capron's home, and as they say, the rest is history. That history had a profound effect on many of us. We hadn't given much thought to what it would be like to be gay and how that would affecf us in a straight society which had little acceptance or even understanding of those with a different sexual orientation.

The WC class met for perhaps ten weeks. Some of us who thought we didn't have a trace of homophobia found it necessary to reexamine our beliefs and attitudes. Our experience has been shared with others in repeated presentations of the material.

My participation has been personally meaningful and important; I believe that our display of the Rainbow Flag is meaningful and important. I hope you all agree..

Minister's Response

The personal. Living with these issues on a highly personal level. Most of us never have that kind of close encounter with these issues. Most of us, in fact, end up with a very different take on the world, because we choose to live within circles of intimate experience that are disconnected from those realities that fall outside what percentage-wise is less common, is outside the norm.

Let me use an example here taken from the problem of racism. (I can switch to another area of marginalization like racism or sexism or ableism, because as Audre Lorde, African American Lesbian author and scholar once said, There is no hierarchy of oppressions. Although every oppression has its own unique particularities, the fundamental pattern of one group being superior and one being inferior is always present in oppression.) So . . . In the social reality of racism, a term that is often used in regard to how the whole societal system operates is White Supremacy. It is a difficult term because it so directly focuses in on the structure and the dynamics that make up society, and because it exposes those very values that are actually, factually, at work in society. It is a difficult term because it exposes things that are hard to accept, if you are white.

That White Supremacy exists and is a powerful force that determines who gets the benefit of full participation in our society is evident in many ways and one is the fact that in the twelve year period between 1985 to 1997, when the prison population of the U.S. almost tripled, 70 percent of new inmates were African American, Latino or other nonwhite minorities. What does that mean for those of us in the white majority? Among many things, it means that we will be safe from the police and the courts and the legislature. We will be safe from them in a particular kind of way, and we can expect them to direct their attention, and their power against others and not ourselves, others who are another color than we are. It means that we can develop a sense of safety, a sense that the law will not be used arbitrarily or negatively against us because of our skin color. In other words, our sense of safety will be built, without our even having to be conscious of it, on the fact that one dimension of the shadow side of the law will be played out on others, and not on us.

To be a white ally, in reference to this example, therefore means to come out---first of all to ourselves---about what it is like to be a member of the group of people who experience the privilege of not being targeted by the police because of our color. Coming out as a white ally means asking, deeply asking ourselves, what it means to live in safety when others among us can not?

The same dynamic is true in the domain of sexual orientation and sexual identity. That Heterosexual Supremacy exists, which is the term we could use to describe the forces that keep Gay, Lesbian, Transgender and Bisexual persons from full participation in society, that it exists is clear: People of the same sex are unable to legally marry in any state in the United States of America, including California. They are therefore unable to receive the full benefits, both financial and social, afforded to wedded couples and suffer great loses and anguish as a result. That Heterosexual Supremacy exists is clear because the cycle of violence against BGLT persons is not decreasing. That Heterosexual Supremacy continues to exist is clear because the most prominent mainstream denominations of religious faith are still immobilized by any effort to celebrate the full recognition of BGLT persons as members or as clergy. And many, more fundamental sects, continue to openly and proudly preach hate against people who are TGBL.

The Unitarian Universalist Association of Churches and Congregations, which includes this institution, the Unitarian Universalist Church of Palo Alto, many years ago collectively decided to become an ally of persons who are Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender. And this congregation publicly flies a rainbow flag every Sunday during the most segregated hours in the United States---segregated not only by color, but also by sexual and affectional orientation. That flag is flown here because this church is choosing to be an ally in deeds as well as in felt concern. All of you who have made that happen, and are continuing to make that happen, are to be commended.

One of the other consistent deeds undertaken in this congregation as an ally has been the offering of classes, adult education classes, called the Welcoming Congregation Curriculum. Over the years the WC adult classes have been offered a number of times. I am hoping that we will be able to offer them again this spring. My hope is manifest in the insert you have seen in your order of service. We need people who will commit to take the class, and to teach it with me. Please fill it out and turn it in as you leave today.

One UUCPA member, who supports the journey that UUCPA has taken to become a WC congregation, and who has participated in the Welcoming Congregation classes of this church, has prepared a sharing for you about what happened for him and the meaning he has found in it.

Second Congregantıs Sharing

Many of you know me, either personally or as a familiar face, and many of you know my husband Jack, back there in the choir. Not so many of you know our teenage son and daughter. They don't come to church very much; they never got the church habit. But they both identify as Unitarian Universalists.

Now we're the kind of liberal family you would expect to find in a UU congregation. When the kids were little, Jack and I talked to each other about what it would be like if one of them was gay. We agreed that it wasn' t what we would choose, because it would make their life harder. But it wouldn't make any difference at all in how we felt about them.

As you might guess from my being here, we got to find out how we really would react. A couple of years ago, when our son was 14 and a high school freshman, he told us that he identified as bisexual.

I didn't score real high on the liberal scale in my initial reaction. At first I just didn't believe him. I thought he was joking - not too unreasonable, given that he will joke about anything. Once he convinced me he was serious, I tried to persuade him that he couldn't possibly be sure at his age. He was patient with me, and in a little while he had me convinced.

In the next days and weeks I learned that parents go through a process that parallels the process of the BLGT individual. I struggled to come to terms with what his sexual orientation meant for all of us.

A few days after he told us, I heard a radio piece on the Boy Scouts' refusal to accept gay troop leaders. Suddenly the outrage wasn't abstract any more. It was my wonderful son they were rejecting

Something that made it harder was that I really didn't know much about bisexuality. I knew and liked a number of gays and lesbians, but there was only one person I knew to be bisexual, and I didn't like him at all. Besides, our son's future seemed so uncertain. I had no idea what kind of relationships he might develop, whether he would settle down and with whom, what kind of life he would have.

I guess I still don't know in general what it means to be bisexual. For our son, I think it means that he wants to be able to express all his possibilities, to keep from being pinned down and put in a box. And I've come to be happy with that.

Parents have their own coming out process, too. Shortly after he told us, I realized that I needed to talk with other people. He said I could tell anyone at all, as long as he would never have to meet them. Luckily, I was working with people I could count on to be supportive, and they weren' t likely to meet him.

During this time, he was doing his own coming out. He had told a few friends and his sister before he told Jack and me. He kept expanding the circle of peers who knew, and he picked the people he told well enough that the reactions were good.

In his sophomore year, he began to talk to high school and middle school classes about diversity, representing Paly's Gay Straight Alliance, of which he is now co-president. The first time he spoke, I asked him whether he was going to disclose his own orientation. He said he was going to play it by ear. Afterwards, he said that it had just felt OK to be open, so he was.

By now he had told me that I could talk to anyone, and I gradually expanded the circle of people I told. And I too picked the people carefully, and everyone reacted well.

I haven't told very many people here. And yet, the church has been an important source of support. The presence of people with a variety of sexual orientations, and the welcome they receive, let me know that this would be a safe place for our family, too. I especially treasure Bill Capron's talk about Bear and the support their family got from the church when Bear came out as a teenager.

After our son came out to us, Jack and I kind of wanted to get him and Bear together, but we couldn't quite figure out how to do it. Last year it just happened. He was dating a girl from Castilleja, where Bear teaches. She persuaded him to be in a play that Bear was directing. I think that connection was good for our son, I hope it was good for Bear, and I know it was good for Jack and me.

Talking about these things today is very important to me. It is going public in a way that's beyond what I've done before. Going public helps me, because it lets me own this part of my life a bit more solidly. I hope it will help others, too, as Bill Capron's talk helped me. And I dream that this will be one small piece of the process that transforms our whole society into a welcoming community.

Minister's Response

Itıs a good thing to care about these issues. Itıs a good thing to offer classes that help us educate each other about the dynamics of sexual orientation and gender identity and about the oppression of those whose orientation and identity run counter to the majority; itıs a good thing to help each other examine our prejudices. Itıs a very good thing.

But somehow when I look around this room and as I participate in the life of this church each week, I wonder if it is enough. When I look around here I am confronted by the question of why the percentage of heterosexual people in this congregation remains so high. What is missing? What hasnıt been done? Despite all the good that happens here, and it is marvelous and deserves to be celebrated and trumpeted (Can I hear an Amen?), to be lauded and divulged widely and often (Can I hear a This church does good!?), despite all of that, something more is needed.

One thing I know, in order to be an authentic ally we have to be trustworthy.

To be trustworthy means to be there when needed. It means to be knowledgeable about the issues, problems, dynamics and history of those with whom we would stand in solidarity---in ways that are deeply personal, in ways in which we make it all very, very personal. It means to stay in relationship, against all odds.

Some people in this congregation have chosen to do that, and they have stories to tell. One of them would like to share with us.

Third Congregant's Sharing

I first heard the term "living authentically" from Pam Allen-Thompson, one of our intern ministers. But I've really started to ponder what this means in the few months since Kurt has been here. His writings and sermons frequently mention living authentically. I've asked myself what does this mean, how does it apply to my life, am I living authentically?

I realized recently that I've had an experience in my life that shows the joy and comfort that living authentically can bring. So I want to tell you this story.

I met my Prince Charming in the late sixties. We got married after a couple of years and set out to live happily ever after. We both brought our share of baggage to the marriage, not the least of which were his three children and my three children. And then, a few years later, we had another son. I thought making a whole family out of these parts would be our toughest challenge. Somehow, we managed to raise them without too many stumbles and they are now my good friends. My husband and I got along well most of the time, loved each other and had a lot of fun together.

But, through many of the years we were so involved with the children and my going to graduate school and then getting a job, he was never able to stay faithful to me. This was a big problem for me in a lot of ways, not the least of which is that I am have taught microbiology for years and knew way too much about what might happen to him and also to me. Finally, almost exactly ten years ago, we reached a crisis point. We were in our third round of marriage counseling and I was an inch away from moving out of our house and getting an apartment. He could choose to be honest with me or live without me. Fortunately, he chose to tell me what he had so feared my learning-that he was bisexual. He was scared for me to find out because he thought I would certainly leave him. Also, as I found out later, he had told his first wife and she had used the knowledge as a weapon.

It is so ironic-telling me the secret that he had hidden so carefully for so long saved our marriage rather than ended it. He realized that I still loved him, that I loved all of him, and he was finally able to make the commitment to me and our marriage. The remainder of our marriage was truly the best years of our lives. We enjoyed the intimacy that we both had longed for for so long.

After we dealt with the new reality of our marriage, he then began a private discussion with each of our children. I don't know what they said, but I know that they loved him even more. One of our children said to me not long ago that it was too bad that Papa waited so long to get straight with us because he was so much happier and confident. Actually he wasn't straight in the accepted sense of the term, but you know what I mean.

In 1997, when he was so ill with cancer, he knew that all of us loved him-that we loved him for who he really was. I'm thankful that I had the will to push him to get real and that he had the courage to do so. I would have missed so much if our marriage had ended in 1992.

There was an old radio show that started with who knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of man (now we would say, who knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of people). These lurking secrets can cause such damage. Bringing them into the sunlight so that you can live authentically will reward you in ways that you can never anticipate.

Minister's Response

Something happens when we tell the truth. Something happens when we come out. Something happens when we claim the title, Ally. Something happens when we risk intimacy. Something happens when we will not be shaken from our commitments. To do that, and to make it stick in this congregation, more needs to be done. More needs to be done because the job is never finished: the job of risking intimacy, the job of telling the truth, the job of reaching out, beyond the boundaries we have built to define ourselves. More needs to be done because our lives are short and the possibility of living authentically gets harder every time we back away from it. More needs to be done because that more, that more, is what makes the difference of whether or not we will die fulfilled---whether or not we will die in peace knowing we have done what we really could do.

Remember the words of the great Rabbi Hillel: If I am not for my self, who will be? If I am not for others, what am I? If not now, when?

Such a good start has been made here, such a very good start. And such a long journey lies ahead. May you have the honesty, the courage and the will to dare to take it together.

Ashé. Amien. Shalom. Blessed Be. Namasté.

What is your reaction to this sermon? Please send comments to Reverend Kurt Kuhwald