Unitarian Universalist Church of Palo Alto

Reflection: On Becoming Welcoming

Kathy Parmentier
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Palo Alto, CA

I wasn’t too sure what the “Weaving the Web of Diversity” class or the “Welcoming Congregation” were going to be about. I feel that I am pretty free of most oppressions. What these classes did for me was help put me in touch with my own experiences in a way that makes me sensitive to the subtle ways that we support, or more often, hurt each another. Being welcoming is acting with justice, equity and compassion. Becoming welcoming does not mean taking on guilt or pointing with blame. Looking for guilt or blame is a waste of time and energy. It calls us to deeply address our acceptance of one another. If we are genuinely welcoming in all facets of our congregational life, then it will also mean encouraging spiritual growth in our congregations. I have become more aware of the social context that we share, and how I am affected by it and how others are affected, as well.

Here is an example. We thought back to our own childhood and adolescence, and recalled when we were snubbed, found that we were expected to fit into a stereotype of male or female behavior, or when we had issues with our bodies. We were then asked to extend our sense of that experience to what might be experienced by LGBT people, who grow up disparaged, discouraged, and subjected to insult and abuse.

I have some pretty painful memories of my adolescence that were a result of my changing body. I developed large breasts early in adolescence, so I was among the first of my friends to wear a brassiere. This new body was a problem. I now was frequently treated as if I were older than I felt. Expectations seemed to have changed overnight and I couldn’t predict whether my usual behavior would be accepted or not. Cat calls and sexual overtures became common and felt threatening. My mother made catty remarks about women who displayed themselves sexually, and my father withdrew from his daughters. My emotional self and my identity were out of sync with this body. It took a long time for me to grow into my body and identify with it in a positive way.

I know the confusion of being treated differently than you expect, and knowing that it is unfair and it hurts. I have an inkling of the feeling that transgender people have that they are somehow in the wrong body for who they really are, even though I have always identified with the gender than matches my sex.

“Equity, justice and compassion”: what an odd combination. Justice for whom and compassion for whom? I think that I understand what compassion is for a victim, but what is compassion for a victimizer? Are justice for the victim and the victimizer the same thing? Am I as free from homophobia or herterosexualism as I think I am? Do I feel that I am a victim or a victimizer? And now, am I trying to be a savior? Am I recognizing the worth and dignity of a person if I ignore it and stay quiet when they make homophobic comments or jokes? Is that “acceptance of one another”?

It is hard for me to speak directly to someone who I feel is behaving badly. It is even more difficult for me to do it without bringing my own aggression to the fore. I am learning to be less complacent in facing and acting on my values with respect to the issues of gender and sexuality. Human beings are imperfect. We carry layers of identity and respond to other people from triggers that we barely understand and acknowledge. I am learning to recognize more of mine. I am learning to be more courageous, and, also I hope, more effective in confronting offensive behaviors. Acceptance of LGBT people may be uncomfortable for some here, but commitment to it encourages spiritual growth in our congregation. I took this class so that I could understand how to be more welcoming, although I didn’t think that I needed it. I learned a lot. I hope that each of you will take it, too.

Sermon: Living on the Side of Love by Rev. Kurt Kuhwald