Unitarian Universalist Church of Palo Alto

Reflection: Expectations

Susan Owicki
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Palo Alto, CA

The psychologist Dennis Gilbert, in his book Stumbling on Happiness, claims that “The human being is the only animal who thinks about the future.”

Today our service is all about expectations — the many ways in which we think about the future. We can’t help having expectations. They are our efforts to predict and manage what will become of us.

In my own life I have been struck with how often my expectations turn out to be wrong — for better or for worse.

When I was 30, I expected to remain childless. I didn’t think I would like having kids and was afraid I wouldn’t be a good mother. By 32, I wanted children, and expected them to come easily. After all, there were all those years of expecting that a minute of carelessness and I would be pregnant. It turned out not to be that easy for us. But at 35 we had our first child, and the wonder of that was more than I could ever have expected.

A mentor once advised me on how to decide between job offers. “Just think about where you want to be in 5 or 10 years,” he said, “then choose the job that is most likely to get you there.” That sounded reasonable. But at 35 I wanted and expected to go on working with computers, and at 45, I was in graduate school learning how to be a counselor. I’m immensely grateful to have had 2 careers I love, and I couldn’t have seen it coming.

I might hope to have more accurate expectations as I get older and wiser, but it doesn’t seem to be happening. This Spring I answered a survey for the Stanford Parking and Transportation Department. They asked what options might persuade me to drive to campus less frequently — better public transportation, help with ride sharing, loaner cars on campus, … anything? I answered, with honesty and embarrassment, that I there wasn’t anything at all that would lead me to drive less.

And then, this summer, I got a bike, and rediscovered how much fun it is to ride. Suddenly I didn’t want to drive so much. A few weeks ago I turned in my parking permit. How long will that last? I expect I’ll manage to hold out until the rain starts. Maybe longer. We’ll see.

I’m not sure what to make of all this. Maybe I’m just unusually bad at prediction. But maybe not. Dennis Gilbert says that we humans, besides being the only animals who think about the future, are terrible at knowing how we will feel a day or a month or year from now, and even worse at knowing what will and will not make us happy.

Still, I expect we’ll all go on having expectations. I guess I shouldn’t take mine too seriously.

Sermon: Dealing with Our Expectations by Bob Schwaar