Unitarian Universalist Church of Palo Alto

Reflection: Spiritual Path

Kathy Parmentier
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Palo Alto, CA

This topic is a tough one for me. I’m on a spiritual path? Isn’t that for saints or gurus or at least for people who are moving from one faith tradition to another? I was raised Unitarian. “Changing my life”: Not has changed or might change, but present tense, is changing.

Spirituality for me is a perspective, a paradigm, a way of understanding that is all-encompassing. It includes both rational and non-rational elements: logic and hard proofs, but also poetry, metaphor, music, emotion, and intuition. It includes psychology, but also ethics or morals. Choices and behaviors may be understood in terms of conscious and unconscious influences and impulses, but they also can be good or bad, blessed or evil. Somehow a spiritual life helps us navigate conflicting values, ambiguous situations, confusions and overwhelm. And for me, it must include experiences of the beautiful which are transcendent. There are experiences of ugliness, which also are transcendent, as many who have survived war or great evil can attest. I have not had to take that path, and I hope that I never have to.

I’d like to talk about two experiences, one specific, and the other, less so, which I think reflect parts of my spiritual life.

Last August, Don and I went to Carmel to attend concerts at the Carmel Bach Festival. Two great choral works were on the program of the last concert. The first half of the program was a Bach Cantata, “Ich habe viel Bekümmernis” or, “I am full of grief”. The second half was the German Requiem of Johannes Brahms. I have sung both these works, both the choral parts and the solos. I know them very well and love them. When I’m performing, each moment is focused on the minutia of the music. I must carry over the phase here. I need to pronounce the final consonants just this way. Get louder here by this much. My task is to move the listener, and to do that, I need to be more intellectually involved in the music than emotionally involved. It is a form of acting. At this concert, I was the recipient. I was in front of the chorus and orchestra, not behind the orchestra in the middle of the soprano section. The Festival displayed supertitles, giving the translation of the text throughout the concert. Sometimes I found myself thinking, “Oh yes. I had forgotten that is what this means.” In the pre-concert lecture, the cantata was described as a “guided meditation”. This was also a sort of “aha!” for me. Of course! I just hadn’t thought to describe it that way.

In the Bach cantata, we are reminded of what it feels like when we are feeling very alone, alienated, and despairing. Through the work, with help and love, we gradually regain a sense of connectedness and of hope. The final movement is triumphant, with brilliant trumpets expressing our joy and release. The orchestra, the chorus and the soloists were extraordinary. I really got it.

Then came the Brahms Requiem. Every part of this work is directed to the grieving, not to the dead, and is intended to comfort. This is not the Catholic mass for the dead. There is no “Dies Irae” “Day of Wrath” No souls cowering in fear before the judgment of God. The texts tend to be in two parts, such as “They who sow in tears shall reap in joy.” Part way through the piece, I started weeping, and I could not stop. I was simultaneously grieving and comforted. I was so connected to this music and so very deeply moved. When it ended, I didn’t want to get up. We were going to drive back home immediately, and I wasn’t ready. I needed time to recover. It is the purpose of art to touch us this way, and great music touches us, sometimes even in a less skilled performance. When all the elements come together in a great performance, we know it for a precious and unforgettable experience that will never happen again. It is life-changing in a completely indescribable way.

A very different part of my spiritual path has been my participation in this congregation. I joined in 1991. Since then I have done all sorts of different things. This year, I sing in the choir and I sang Brahms’ songs a few weeks ago as the Sunday Musician. I am the Web Manager, which I learned here, with a wonderful supportive team behind me. I am a member of the Board of Trustees, with membership as my particular focus. And, I am a Worship Associate. In this church I have not only been permitted to try different things, I have on occasion been pushed into doing things that I would never have volunteered to do. I have been stretched. I have wondered at people who seemed to see something in me that I don’t see myself. I have some true friends criticize me and make me aware of my all too persistent failings, but who have done it with compassion. I have called on the Conflict Resolution Team to help me get past difficulties that were destroying the work of a group. I could not have this breadth of experiences in any other organization that I can think of. I have been led to leadership here, and supported to learn to do it. That never happened to me in the 24 years that I was at Hewlett-Packard. This congregation is constantly striving to understand what it means to live by our principles. We are human. We have conflicts with each other. We often fail to live up to our high standards, but in this place, I see people modeling the way that I want to be. It is real. It can be done. It is changing my life.