Unitarian Universalist Church of Palo Alto

Living on the Side of Love

Reverend Kurt Kuhwald
June 22, 2008
Palo Alto, CA

What a journey! What a journey the Unitarian Universalist Association and this congregation have been on — a difficult, joyous, very human journey. Back in 1987 the Association made an historic decision … after years of research and study, and then by vote at the 1989 General Assembly, it courageously committed to becoming openly welcoming and affirming to people who are Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, and Transgendered — as well as to those Questioning their affectional orientation and gender identity: BGLT and Q.

That is, the Association decided to Stand on the Side of Love. Standing on the side of love, and further, living on the side of love, makes the issue clear. In the end, the issue is about whom you are naturally drawn to love. And the issue is also about whether the State has the right to interfere with that inclination. The UUA and this congregation, and now, blessedly, the State Law of California, are clear about their answer to that: No. No, the state has no business deciding who I, or any of you, or anyone in this state, choose to love — and further choose to marry.

In accord with this belief this congregation has religiously, no pun intended, followed the Unitarian Universalist Association’s lead by committing itself to creating a community, a culture of attitude and practice, where BGLT people would feel welcomed, affirmed, celebrated and “openly integrated.” Very importantly, the Association did this, and this congregation did this, because BGLT people have a long history (which unfortunately continues to this day) of being targeted and subjected, not only to economic, political and social marginalization, BGLT folk were (and are) being physically harassed and murdered. The Association and this congregation said “Enough!”

The Welcoming Congregation program, a set of structured classes, and a congregational process of implementing gay affirmative practices, was one of the most powerful and well articulated responses the Association has ever created. It was designed and offered by the UUA to specifically educate, support and in fact liberate the members of congregations, both gay and straight, and congregations themselves, from homophobia, and from unscientific, distorted and erroneous ideas, so that individuals and congregations could fully realize the meaning and joy of being generously, warmly and fully welcoming.

Over a decade ago, this congregation took up the challenge and began the Welcoming Congregation program with verve and good spirit. It was a grand gesture, an important cultural shift, a commitment to both love and life that took courage and demanded often grueling effort to challenge attitudes, both individually and collectively, and to face down the cultural norms that destructively shunned, marginalized and oppressed human beings on the basis of who they loved, or by what gender they chose to be identified — and simultaneously inequitably lifted up other persons, based on their heterosexuality.

And here it is important to note one of the most significant lessons that has come out of our work this year in Weaving the Fabric of Diversity and the Welcoming Congregation. I’ll tell you more about these programs in just a bit, but here I want to lift up a lesson from that work and that lesson is this: If anyone is targeted, everyone suffers. If anyone is deprived of their rights, and anyone’s dignity is assailed, then everyone’s rights are deprived and everyone’s dignity is assailed. It is why Abraham Lincoln, one of the wisest men who ever held the office of president said, “As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master.” And, “In giving freedom to the slave, we assure freedom to the free.”

One of the teachings in the Weavings class was that there are three kinds of power when it comes to “isms” (racism, heterosexism, ageism, ad nauseum): The first power is the power that inflicts direct damage on the people who are targeted: that limits, for instance, gay couples from having the same inheritance rights as straight couples — or that physically assaults them. The second power is the power that gives privilege to the dominant group: That up until now, for instance, straight legislators have expanded the economic benefits for straight married people, or, that straight military service personnel are free to talk about their sexual and marriage relationships openly, when BGLT service personnel are not. The third power of oppression is in the fact that it forces the internalization of a superior/inferior, worthy/unworthy, model of life into both those in the dominant group and those who are targeted. We all suffer, because we all carry some form of this model in us — no one here escaped.

Another lesson from the Welcoming Congregation program: We are all human. We will all make mistakes. And those of us who are in the dominant group, those of us who are straight, heterosexual, will definitely make mistakes … as we try to be more welcoming … because we do not know what it is like to be targeted as Gay — and, and this is especially important, we do not know the extent of our misinformation and our power. We are therefore uninformed about all the ways in which heterosexism hurts and limits BGLT people, until we begin to consciously work to free ourselves of the unscientific, unfair beliefs and patterns our culture, our parents, and our church have taught us. And, of course, even when we make such a commitment, and work hard to live it out … we will still make mistakes. Making mistakes is not the issue in the work of Welcoming, of anti-racism, of going beyond ageism — making mistakes is not the issue … the issue is how sincere we really are to stay with it, how focused are we in applying what we know (even when we ourselves betray it over and over with automatic homophobic, or racist, behavior), and how courageous we are in dealing with our own prejudice, and in dealing with the prejudice in others and in institutions.

As I said, this congregation embarked on a journey to take on the work of becoming welcoming more than a decade ago. And like many suburban congregations situated in population areas where there is no significant BGLT presence, this congregation actually had an initial love affair with the Welcoming Congregation program — many, many people were involved, there was high and creative energy buzzing all through the congregation’s life — and then, somehow, over the course of the years, the energy gradually was lost. This is a pattern that has been repeated in most suburban congregations across the continent. The answer to this decline in energy is to refocus and recommit.

Here in Palo Alto, after some painful difficulties in the last few years, not the least of which was that a gay member of this congregation was twice harassed on these church grounds, a renewed commitment was made to reengage a program of intentional welcoming.

Starting in November a first series of classes was offered from a curriculum called Weaving the Fabric of Diversity that focused on learning more about five areas where people are targeted, marginalized and oppressed in U.S. society, including here on the peninsula: race, physical abilities, class, age, and sexual orientation, specifically heterosexism. With the learnings we shared there, re-vivifying our understanding of how oppression works in our society, we were able to move on in a second series of classes, the Welcoming Congregation program itself, pointedly focusing on BGLT issues and concerns.

What we were able to touch, as our perspective and understanding grew through our coursework, was the holy ground of welcoming. It was a place where we began to become more deeply aware of our connectedness to others, more aware of how we all struggle with our identities, more aware of how blocking one person’s gifts from developing really hurts us all. I feel that to acknowledge that place of understanding and sensitive connection, that place of generosity, we, like Moses, ought to take off our shoes. That’s what seekers of truth and depth the world over are instructed to do when they enter sacred ground: “Take off thy shoes, all who enter here, for you are standing on Holy ground.” The message being symbolically acted out by removing one’s shoes is that one’s ego must be “taken off and quieted” before access to deeper and sacred truths, to the divine, is possible. And what is more divine than being truly welcoming to the visitor, or to the one who has borne great oppression by others. What is more divine than recognizing the truth of the popular saying, “We are all one family.” It is no wonder that the gay community, the queer community, calls itself “Family.” Family is the code word for declaring our common humanity, without which recognition and commitment, we, all of us, gay and straight alike, cannot survive.

A local Bay Area teacher of spiritual transformation named Adyashanti has listed three qualities necessary to the deepest human path (I’ve already alluded to them). And of course that is what Church, what religious/ethical community is all about, finding the deeper, richer, more authentically human way. Those three qualities are: Sincerity; One-pointedness, which I will call Focused Intention; and, Courage.

A sincere heart is a robust and courageous heart willing to let go of the limited belief that we must have things our way; let go in the face of the great unknown lovely and terrible expanse of being alive on this planet as a human person — an expanse which the busy, preoccupied mind has no way of knowing or understanding.

That preoccupation I will call prejudice, or thinking and acting from stereotypes — and from a drive to satisfy standards that want immediate payoff and control over whatever seems troubling, and painful. That preoccupation for control, for gratification regardless of the consequences, that preoccupation blunts our capacity to be sincere — because it has a motive that is narrowly, albeit unconsciously, self-serving.

One of the great lessons of our work in the Welcoming Congregation program was to learn to more deeply feel our own sincerity about wanting justice and the authentic experience of welcoming. Touch that yearning, and you will never be the same, and you can never go back.

One-pointedness, or Focused Intention, the second quality necessary to live a life in touch with depth, richness, love and truth, means that we keep our goal in mind: we keep our eyes on the prize. It also means that we keep our eye trained on our own behavior. Do not be misled, the religious/ethical life is a rigorous life. It demands that we pay attention. But why wouldn’t we want to pay attention to being welcoming, the rewards are so damned wonderful. We get to be friends, friends instead of being scared, small minded, picky, worried, limited people who will watch the big world go by without us. Make no mistake, the world is changing. The Supreme Court of California in its decision about marriage equality, cutting edge as it seems, is only a mouthpiece for the cultural shift that is already taking place. A pluralistic, multicultural, rights affirming, relationally diverse society is already in the making. Arundhati Roy, brilliant Indian activist and writer says it this way: “Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

The third quality of living deeply is Courage. Which is another essential lesson from the Welcoming Congregation. A friend of mine sharing an anonymous quote said this: “When the forms of an old culture are dying, the new culture is created by a few people who are not afraid to be insecure.” Not being afraid to be insecure means to be courageous about facing your own limitations, and about sincerely seeking to change them, about doing a serious self assessment in regard to your prejudices — and not being afraid to see what is there, because we all harbor prejudices within, in some form or another. (Being Unitarian Universalist does not exempt us.) Not being afraid to be insecure means to be courageous enough to risk discomfort for the sake of being real, being honest, being truly welcoming to BGLT persons or straight persons, to anyone who is different than I am … and finally … to Life.

Lastly, let me say that I have led or co-facilitated the Welcoming Congregation and the Weaving curriculum over half a dozen times now. Every time I do it, the message becomes clearer. What we are committed to do is to insure that Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered as well as Heterosexual people all have the right to full participation in society … and in this church.

It is that simple. It is that demanding. It is that joyous and loving.

Let us be about the work … with sincerity, focused intention and courage.

Let us be about welcoming life.

 

All My Relations.
Ashé. Amen. Ameen. Shalom & Blessed Be.
Gracias y Namasté.

 

Reflection: On Becoming Welcoming by Kathy Parmentier